Death...Don't you wonder....

...what is the process of dying

Of course this subject has been on my mind for quite some time now.  I have read a few informational publications distributed by hospice organizations, etc. and physicians.  And I have been at the bedside of someone dying.  However, you never really ask or question a person on how they feel, what they are thinking, etc.

I kind of feel like we (in general) are told that you are dying, you start feeling tired, eventually ending up in bed and as time goes on you get weaker, you stop eating, you are on pain medication that puts you kind of in a sleep coma and eventually die.

What I am experiencing is the tiredness, taking medications for pain, wanting to sleep a lot, not getting dressed in the morning, just staying in PJs and than the next day I am up, showered, dressed and wanting to clean up, etc.  Of course the tiredness comes afterward and I am ready for bed.  Each day is the same only different.  I am kind of feeling guilty that I feel better than I should.  I know, that sounds weird.

There are days that I really feel that this is it.  I feel so bad that I am ready and feel like my body is ready.  You have to think too that perhaps the body is ready but the mind is not.  You would think that there would be no good days 

As I continue on this journey I want to add along the way the thoughts, actions, etc. so that others will know what it is like.

I know, strange entry.....

UPDATE:   So still doing the ups and downs.  I get really tired and it's hard to breathe at times when I sweep or move something, especially going up and down the stairs, etc.  Taking down and putting away the Christmas decorations was hard but completed.  As I sit and rest I am seeing all the things that I should do but know that I won't get done.

The upping of dosage and time frames of morphine has helped tremendously.  I am still tired and have very little energy.  I have found that coloring (pencil/market/etc.) books are soooo soothing.  Still have my puzzles but the coloring is a nice change.  I have completed two books already.  

Coloring

 

Coloring is supposed to be soothing, relaxing.  However in the past I have found it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.  What to color, what colors, where to color, etc. etc.

Yesterday was not a good day and I spent most of the day in bed.  The kids are on winter break so Joci was home with me.  Joe and Jennifer were working.  

Joci and I decided to color.  We were coloring giants.  And we were really good.  We actually spent the whole day in/on my bed coloring .  Jennifer was working from home so on a couple of her breaks she colored with us. 

Between the medicines and coloring the day went by really fast.  Going to have to get some more books:)

Hospice

 I am officially signed on to Journey Hospice here in Illinois.  I was a little apprehensive about Hospice in general but know that it is something that I am going to need to utilize here in the near future.

So far I have been very pleased with the group.  Yesterday was not a good day for me.  They were here very quickly to help.  Jennifer was working from home (Tuesdays and Fridays) which was good and between them and JJ I got thru the day.  I know that I will have more of those types of days and am comforted knowing that I have the care I need a call away.

Christmas Fun - Ornaments

                                                              

This year Brandon, Brody and I made the flour/salt/water Christmas cookie cutter ornaments.  So easy, I can't believe we have not done this in the past.  Brandon really got into it and we made a whole bunch.

The receipt for them is so easy.  4 Cups of flour, 1 Cup of salt and 1 1/2 Cup of water (more or less as needed).  Mix it up into a dough, roll out about 1/4 inch, cut with cutters and place on a ungreased cookie sheet.  Put in oven at 250 degrees for at least 60 minutes (more if needed).  Cool down and let them further dry out.  Brush out extra flour and get ready to paint. 

The Cook

 

So Brandon loves to cook.  Thanksgiving is definitely his jam.  He loves putting all the butter and spices on the turkey.  Of course he has to taste all the different spices, individually and mixed together.  Tonight he made a margarita pizza using tortillas.  As you can see from the above photo.  So proud.

He is also a great eater...just about anything you put in front of him.  He does not however, like milk and anything that is milk.  Kind of odd I think.

He will try at least one bite which his grandpa would be so very proud of him as this was his rule on trying different foods.

Dogs and Cats

I can remember having a dog growing up on the farm.  Mostly a Collie.  Not like now days, dogs were not kept inside and our dogs never were given dog food bought at the store, only food scrapes from the table.

We also had a huge tom cat.  He was not fixed so at night he roamed outside.  He was a scrapper, as many times when the next day came you could tell he had been in a "cat" fight the night before.  However, I remember my siblings, etc. also dressed this huge cat in doll clothes and lugged him all around.  He was so gentle.  He loved to be held and purrrrrrrrred like a kitten.

We also had barn cats (probably some of those messing with Tom Cat) that we chased all around the hay loft.  They usually tried to avoid us and were not friendly.  They were there to keep the mice, etc. population down to nothing and did a good job.

We had other animals on the farm, some I was too young to remember and some I just have forgotten.  I remember at one time having sheep, hogs, cattle, etc.  Of course I always wanted to have a pony but we never had one of them.

We did have a lot of fun just growing up on the farm.  Plenty of trees to climb and a barn and barn loft as our playground.

Everyone needs...

 that one true person that cares, but really does not care.  It is hard to explain.  Be there to listen, but not there to lecture or to fix the situation. Maybe give a hug and just give you a release.  I'm sure that has been a quote by someone in the past as it is sooooooooo true.

Travels

Traveled to AZ from Chicago before Thanksgiving.  I was prepared for a nightmare but was not so bad.  The plane that was to go from Chicago to AZ was 1/2 hour late but everything went very smoothly from boarding to arriving.

I was very happy to depart the airplane to really nice AZ weather.  A little wind cooled the night but the next week was very nice.  I even had shorts on.

Had a nice chat with friends and a very nice dinner with Matt, Kelley and the boys.  Brandon, as usual, was excited to butter and spice up the turkey.  I think he likes the spices more than anything.  Matt, of course, had a ham steak (he just is not a turkey/chicken fan) and the sides were delicious as well. 

I made sure to take my meds but did end up laying down for most of the rest of the day. 

No downers

I know that with this health issue I will have lots of downer days.  I am most upset about just being sooooo tired.  I am a go go type person and to be able to lay around with a heat pad and literally not move or do anything is hard for me mentally.  I really do try to stay in an up mood around people and keep my down moods to myself.  I do not want people to pity or feel pity for me.  But, I do realize that I need to have those down feelings at times.  It is just part of the process and I need to realize that it's okay to have them.

 So, I will try to post  more good vibes and touch on the downers.

True Friends

I would hope that everyone has had or have that one or two true friend and going both ways are so giving and willing to receive as well.

i have this one friend that I went to school with.  Kept in close contact throughout after school years and adult years.  Can call at anytime for anything.  Always there, like we see each other every day even though not close in proximity to each other.

Another friend that she and her husband were actually my work boss but so close to Ron and I.  We did so much together.  I have loss my Ron and she has lost her Ron.  She does not live close, however this is a friend that we can talk once a year and it's like we live next door to each other.  We have both moved closer to our families, but we will always be close.

I still have lunch or get together with a very dear, elegant lady that I worked with.  She is everything I wished I was...tall, thin, pretty without all the artificial stuff, gentle, caring and so giving.  She will always be there for whatever is needed.  We talk about everything.  I always feel so calm when we meet and that she truly cares.  No, she's not perfect and I get to listen as well which means we are so much alike in so many ways.

My last boss and his wife are also very dear friends.  We don't get together as much as we would like but when we do we talk about everything.  I love that, talking about everything, not just held to one subject, etc.  They too are so nice and treat me with such true caring.  I love getting cards from them with notes of hope and uplifting words.

Then there is our best friends/neighbors.  We were like so different, yet so much the same.  We did so much together.  We were considered "first responders" to each other.  They were there for when Ron died and there after for me.  I could always depend on them for anything.  We are separated by many miles, yet still so close.  

And than my two besties.  Who would have thought that one of my former bosses and her husband would be my best friends.  I can ask anything of them.  They treat me as if I was their family (maybe closer than family).  All I have to do is ask and not ask any they are there for me.  There is so much to say...

My family is my family, but my friends are priceless and I am so privileged to have collected so many over the years.  And it seems that I have had the privilege to work with so many good, caring people...as Yoda would say..."so lucky have been I"

11/11/13

 Today, 11/11/13 at 8:03 pm.  8 years ago...seems like forever and then again just like yesterday.  I miss him every day.  Love you Ron!

Medical Day

Monday:

I had a CT Scan scheduled. .. Joe was exhausted and just did not overall feel good...  Joci was sick and Jennifer has not felt well for a week.  So,

Joe stayed home from school and did a catch up  day, slept most of it.

Joci went to the urgent care and has ear infections in both ears.

Jennifer has pneumonia, x-ray, IVs, and two nights in the hospital.

Me, only change is as we suspected, all areas the cancer is growing and has expanded into new areas.  Left kidney is in danger of not operating at full potential, as the cancer is in the lymph system it is pressing on many nerve endings and is probably the cause of my voice sounding very horsey.  

There is always good news with the bad.....hey, NO Covid!  

Such Talent

 I have been able to attend a concert by the Lebanon Youth/Adult musical group held in the Lebanon Courthouse.  It was wonderful.  They were so great and it was nice to see seasoned musicians and young ones just starting out.

I have attended two plays put on by the Fremd High School and Stevensen High School theater groups.  So entertaining.  Again such talent.

I just attended a musical presentation by the Stevensen music department where they broke down into small groups, picked their own music to present and practiced and presented.  Some of the music was hard to follow as their groups were small but overall it was very entertaining.

As I hear of these presentations I hope to attend as many as possible.

HATS

 I have always loved the look of wearing hats.  However, over the years I have found that they are so hot.  When I moved to Illinois from Arizona I had a couple of hats.  Now, look at my hats:

NUTS

Acorns that is!

I have mentioned before how big, beautiful and messy (leaves and limbs) all the oak trees are.  Well, I didn't think about all those acorns.

It sounds like little bombs going off, sometimes like about twenty or more at a time, especially then the wind is blowing.  I am so surprised that our patio table's glass top has not broken.  At night it's the same.

I have swept them off both the top and bottom patios and the next day it's like they were not removed.

Needless to say the little chipmonks, etc. are loving them.  Driving the dogs mad knowing and smelling them when they go outside.

 So the great oaks are beautiful when in bloom and when leaves turn...however, raking the leaves, limbs and acorns are the price we pay.

Not Really Surprised

 Had the CT scan and saw the oncologist.  Yep, it is not going away.  This is what Jennifer posted on Facebook and it pretty much says it all.

"Mon had her latest oncologist appointment this last Friday after a recent cat scan  Unfortunately, her cancer is progressing.  It is, officially, the esophageal cancer metastasized, to her lungs, lymph nodes and back on what remains of her pancreas.  No more chemotherapy.  No more radiation.  No more treatments except that which will, in the future, make her comfortable.  Thankfully, the progression that was seen was very minor, and so we are hopeful that we still have quite a bit of time with Mom.  She has been such a warrior the last few years, battling this stupid, unrelenting cancer, and we are all so much the better for the time that we've had with her, and the time we still have to come.  We are looking to the future, making plans and arrangements, but not giving up on the time we have now, living for the present, because it is such a gift.  Mom is the strongest person I've ever known and is facing this chapter of her life with the same resiliency I've seen her face other struggles with, which can be summed up in her favorite phrase...It is what it is"

So, there is nothing much else to say.  I hope I can continue to be the person above.  And, I can not believe the responses the posting received.  I have never really felt that I was worthy and it is beyond belief that, you know, maybe I have been been all along.

You have one life...LIVE IT and always be kind.

Arizona Trip

It was a great mental health fix, visiting family and friends and seeing old and new places.

Except for two nights I spent the time with Matthew and his family.  Got to wake up with the boys and go to sleep with them.  Enjoyed being with Matt while he was on vacation and sitting, drinking a coffee and talking with Kelley.  And, of course, bowling, golfing, bouncing, movies, shopping, etc.with the boys.   Both of them have grown so much since I moved to Illinois last October.  You realize how much you miss by not being there daily.  Talking and video chatting are just not the same.

Driving back with Ellen went great.  She is easy to travel with.  We basically had an uneventful adventure.  Except for ending up driving so long the second day because (who knew) Iowa's hotels fill up on weekend especially prior to college starting and the end of the pandemic.  Oh yes, and when you travel always plan on eating lunch, you might not find a place opened when you are done driving for the day.  I hope Ellen had a good time as well. 

2021 Month of July in Arizona

 Spending the month of July in Arizona.  Started out from Illinois, stopped in Indiana and then on to Arizona.  Yes, I drove by myself.  I have driven it three times and wanted to do it at least one more time, and who wants to deal with flying now days!

So exciting to see family (especially Brandon and Brody) and friends.  It is so interesting coming back and seeing all the changes.  It is the same with Indiana.  I really missed family and friends.  I put together a list and making sure that I see everyone before heading back to Illinois.

Driving back will be another experience.  My dear friend Ellen is riding back with me heading to Michigan.  I t will be great to have a companion and I believe we are going a different route than my usual so seeing new territory will be interesting as well.

Visit was very much needed for me.  And enjoying my time here which is going very quickly.  Heading back East on the 30th.

Humidity

Ah yes, Humidity!!  When you talk about the heat in Arizona you always follow it with "but, it's a dry heat!"  They are not kidding.  I kind of forgot how different the heat feels with Humidity.  I used to call it "sticky underwear weather" because your clothes would stick to you.  

My hair is soaking wet when I wear a hat outside.  The house is really cold, the carpet feels a little sticky, you just really feel the difference.

In Arizona it is so hot that when you sweat, it evaporates so fast you don't feel the wetness.  Here in Illinois, you definitely wear it.

Just another adjustment.

Healing

 I just said the other day "why did I feel so good out of the hospital and now two weeks out I am sore and really tired/weak?"  Dud, Jennifer told me did I not still have drugs in my system?  I guess that is right.  I am trying really hard to take it easy which is not easy for me.  I don't like feeling weak.

So, after doctors' visits:  they have removed all the disease (along with the spleen, mass, and tail of the pancreas and a few lymph nodes) from that area.  There is a hot lymph node by the earlier surgery which they plan to watch.  I have had too much radiation in the abdomen area so don't want me to have any more of that.  Want me to be healthier and gain some weight before they even consider chemo.  Scans at the end of April and they are pretty sure it will be back.  That is it in a nutshell.

So, live my life as if everything is normal.  

AGAIN

Post off...again.

Laying in the hospital, waking up from surgery.  Same feelings, same pain...how many times????

I have decided that I do not like hospitals.  That complete helplessness of doing for yourself.  Totally dependent on others for everything.  Leaving total control to basically complete strangers.  Don't get me wrong, I have had great care and I think am a very compliant patient.  However, no one really wants to be there and the reasons they are there are not good ones.

I am now into the why me phase of this third cancer journey.  It wasn't enough to go thru it two other times?  Please tell me this is not Karma.......I am just feeling sorry for myself and have to keep telling myself there are so many others in this world that have it so much worse than me...and there really are.

I am doing great considering what I have gone thru, but it hurts and I am weak (not my best feeling) and of course the depending on others.  Especially Jennifer, she has enough on her plate and I feel guilty and proud.  Not everyone have children that will take care of them when needed and I am very fortunate to have her.

 

I Don't Know...

why it is so hard for me to post on Facebook, especially about the new cancer.  I have asked Jennifer to be my spokesperson.  Maybe it distances me from it all...maybe it is too personal...I don;t want it to sound like whining instead of informational, who knows.....

I want family and friends to know what it going on.  I could e-mail all and then that ends up being a full time event of keeping up with everyone.  No, Facebook is the best avenue.  AND, right now I am in the doctors' offices or getting tests daily it seems.  Because of the surgery coming up fast there are lots of paperwork and plans that need to be in place (you know, all of those what ifs) .

I believe I am an optimistic person, but boy, sometimes it is hard to stay UP.

Just needed to say this.

It's Back

Pancreatic CANCER.  What the?????

I was pretty sure that IT was not done with me.  I didn't think it would be so soon.  Another bad one.  I have found a very good Oncologist and Surgeon.  Really thorough, informative and great personalities.  So, I feel like I am in good hands.

Waiting now for surgery to be scheduled.  There are lymph glands involved and a couple of other issues.  Not sure about after therapy.  Lots to think about.

There is nothing I can do about it...It truly is what it is.

Right or Wrong

I am not sure how I am going to put this out there.  Everything that is on TV, news, movies, etc. and things that I comment on comes back to haunt me.

You grow up with certain words, terms, ideas, history, judgments, etc.

I do not consider myself as a racist, nor my friends and family.  Judgmental...yes.  Opinionated...yes. Outspoken...yes.  Rude...yes at times.  Is that being racist?

I have been adjusting so many words as well.  Oriental used to be correct.  "I work like a slave"... no!  Hair styles, make ups, clothing styles, size, etc. etc. etc.  I heard yesterday that it is NOT a compliment when you tell someone that you like their hair, or ask about disabilities.  I have actually asked a veteran about his legs.  At the time my sister had surgery and lost most of her leg and was having a hard time.  He was a wonderful young man and told me how much hard work it was to adjust and thanked me later.  Was I wrong?

I kind of understand in my younger days when you would hear "they don't have a sensor".  I sometimes feel like that.  I feel I can't just say a lot of things instantly instead of weighing what I was going to say or do and  kind of police my thoughts and comments.  I know, we really should do that anyway, but sometimes......

I do feel like I am a kind, wouldn't want to hurt a fly (oh wait, that's not true, especially when they are soooo annoying) person,  however you know what I mean.  I do not say things to hurt people.  I don't want someone to say something to me to hurt me.  

The more I see and read no one's history is glorious.  All countries have a dark part and a light part.  It has always been the basic "good" people that have made the future what it is.  I understand that money and position is where everyone strives to have, however, look around, there is always someone that has it much, much worse than I do (and of course more).  I consider myself very lucky to be who I am and have what I have.

With the health that I have, I have been thinking a lot about my life.  It wasn't always great but I grew up with a complete family.  We had security which included a home, food, great experiences.  Growing up on a farm was great.  Climbing trees, having a huge garden and animals, family gatherings, playing outside safely day and night, I could go on and on.  

I guess we should all be very aware of the changes in the world even tho some of them seem so weird to us old timers.  I'm sure our grandparents thought the same thing as we came into the world.

Like I said at the beginning....not sure how to put this and you might just consider it a rambling of thoughts.  No offence meant to anyone...

REAL Snow

 OK, the "real" snow has arrived.  What I posted earlier is nothing.  I'm thinking way over two feet of snow!  I have been very happy that "they" are on it!  Downtown areas of Chicago is another story.  Side streets and alleys are a mess, however the main highways are pretty clear.

Our area is very good.  The main streets are taken care of, however our housing area is really pretty clear as well.  I guess the best way to say it is they are prepared.  The air is cold and you have to dress appropriately, but walking and walking the dogs so far has not been a problem.

When in AZ there were days that you could not walk because of the heat.  So I still state that you just trade on for the other.  Not outdoors in the high heat and not outdoors in the low temperatures and snow.

Anyway...this is a good place for -- It is what it is!

First Big Snow

I survived!!!   Little dustings but nothing like this and another one on the way.

I have been told that January is really nothing (according to the last few years), it's February and March when the big snows happen.  We got about 7" and it snowed all day...so pretty.  The sidewalks are a mess but the streets are cleaned nicely.  I assume the home association contracts out the streets and they do a great job and so far the main streets and highways have been cleaned nicely.

Anyway, those are the days, just like when it's over 110 in Arizona that you stay inside and do those chores that you put off.  I still have a lot of projects in the garage, however it is not heated so not getting those done.

By the way, this morning at 9:00 the temperature outside was 12 degrees.  No wind which really makes a difference.  It is so funny/odd that walking in 20 degrees and 110 degrees is so the same only different.  I guess it's the extreme that is the same.

Kind of Like Hiking

 Found a new walking route.  It is a lot like hiking in that shall we say "rolling hills!"  It's 1.8 miles and at this time takes me 45 minutes to walk.  Also around the lake so some of the homes are very unique in size.  I always wonder who lives there, how many live in that huge home.  The styles are all different and I even wonder how they get out of their driveways when it's snow and ice.

Lots of people walk so you see quite a mix of ages and dogs.

It was snowing (here they are more apt to say flurries) and Jocelyn and I dress up all warm and did my walk.  It was so nice.  Not only did we talk a lot but walking as the snow was coming was very zen.

We'll see if when the snow is really high on the ground if I continue, however I am ready with boots and all to go for it.

NEW

Well, it's time to get new doctors.  My new PCP is very young.  Very informative, knowledgeable, and interesting.  I have a lot of past information and they were not able to review past records (I have to transfer to the right technical device) so we started from scratch.  So, I know have referrals to oncology,  gastric, bones, etc. etc. etc.\

So, I am getting ready for all the tests, etc. to see if I am alive!  I am looking forward to the neurology testing.  I have a family history of dementia and this is testing for that.  I do feel I am forgetting a lot of things and I am worried about the future.  So, it will be interesting.

I do have a lot of pain and problems with my stomach and intestines, however, I feel that is just results of the past cancer etc.

I want to live my life, but I will not be held captive by the medical world.  So....the future will be interesting.

What The Hell

I was so upset watching TV yesterday.  To me it was just like 9-11...glued to the TV, unbelieving what I was seeing, not wanting to keep watching, however needing to see where and what the ending would be.

Starting with the BLM riots (and peaceful protests) and now this.  Where are we.  I thought I was in a third world country not America.  Of course in the past we have had riots as well, but this?

AND, I have to believe that not all those that were there were there to destroy.  I am reminded of the MOB story that I have told so many:

   A person walked around the corner of town where at the end of the street a man with a noose around his neck, sitting on a horse with a bunch of people yelling around him.  Supposedly he had stolen a horse and the crowd was shouting and unruly.  As the man got closer he was pushed to the front of the crowd, closer to the horse.  He got so involved that all of a sudden HE hit the rear of the horse and, well you know what happened.  He was asked later why he hit the horse and he said he has no idea and didn't even know why the man was in that situation.  He basically just got into the mob and situation.

I think a lot of that happened yesterday.  However, I also believe that we don't know who all led the mob.  Either way, wrong, just wrong. 

SNOW - Part 1

I hope I don't have to eat my words.  That's why this is part 1.

I am very impressed about the snow removal here in Mundelein and surrounding areas.  As soon as freezing rain or snow starts they are out on the roads.  Have used the snow blower once. The neighborhood is the same.

Now I have to say that we have not had the scary amount of snow that you hear about.  However, there is still snow on the ground and some on the trees.  I'm thinking that Feb and Mar will have much more snow.  

So, part 1 is now and part 2 is going to be when we're stuck inside.  We'll see!

 

Christmas

Well, it's not tomorrow, however update on Christmas.

It was VERY nice.  Got to talk to Matt's which I totally enjoyed and made me miss them.  Usually I would spend the night and wake up with them.  They had a good Christmas.

No snow for Christmas here in Illinois, however it seemed more like Christmas with the weather, etc.  And it has been a while since I have spent Christmas with Jen and the kids.

All in All....Great Christmas.