Update

 Well, it seems the morphine I have been on is no longer working for me. nor is the slow and quick release so I am graduating to Methadone and Hydromorphone starting 3/9/22.  Has a lag time of 5 days possible so might have to do some adjusting which could include a 5 day in-patient stay.

So tonight was a kind of reality check on my part.  I have tried to be really brave and ahead of all of this but it really got to me tonight.  Why can't I just die?  Why does it take so long.  Why do you have to go thru all the meds, pains, ups and downs?!  I don't like it when I lose control and start crying.  I have always been that way, be the strong one.  I don't know why I am that way but I have always been.  I do cry when my kids and/or loved ones are hurting but a strong upper lip is what I try to be/have. So I needed to just get really down and out and cry it all out of my system and move on.

So, now on the second dose and so far so good.  I will continue to do the updates.  I hope this does not turn into a tear jerker and more informative.

Update

 Well, it's now the first of March and the body is definitely changing.  Jennifer got a few books to check out  the dying process, etc.  So far they are very interesting reading and pretty much spot on as I read.  It starts out with general information but then it gets more detailed as time goes on.  Like 1-3 weeks, etc.

I have noticed that my abdomen is sore inside and outside.  I am having a lot of headaches and being dizzy every time I would stand up.  I have noticed that my balance is not good.  Being dizzy doesn't help of course, but it seems time for either a cane or walker to help with the balance.  We will see how that works out.

We have upped the mg of morphine which I hope is helping both slow and quick release.  I seemed to be using the quick release a lot more now.  The slow release is still three times a day.

As I am still reading there is more to find out as to what the rest of the process will be.

Your Bucket List - Kind of

 Whether or not we realize it or not, we all have a kind of bucket list of things we have or want to do in our life time.  I started mine and I have found that Wow, I really have done a lot in my life time.  I also know that Ron was a very big reason I have accomplished so many.  Many of them I would not have done without him.

Here we go:

Married and Widowed

2 children and 4 grandchildren

Traveled inside and outside the States and in Europe

Para-sailed

Scuba dived lessons

Racquetball

Drove cross country by myself (and gobs of times with Ron)

Cancer  x 3 (and all the surgeries and treatments that went with them)

Employed

Traveled by Airplane

Operated a motorcycle by myself

Boating on Lakes and Oceans

Water Skied

Snow Skied

Ran 10 Ks

Gardened

Fly Fishing

Helped build new home

Fired from a job

Rode on a train

Smoked Cigars

Wine Tasting

Road Horses

Hunted (got an elk)

Camped

Rode a Sedgway

Golfed

Fired guns

Voted

Operated controls on small airplane

Moved cross country x 2

Puzzeler

Painted

Kereaoke

Played French Horn

Sewed

Put up hay / planted field tomatoes

Scrapbooking

Bunco for Breast Cancer Survivors Events

Mirror

Do you ever look in the mirror and have to do a double take, wondering who that is...when did I start looking like this?

Every morning, brushing your teeth, washing you face, etc., etc., you glance in the mirror but you don't really look at yourself.  And, when you do, you have to wonder when did I change so much.  All the little (and bigger) brown spots, wrinkles, oh so many wrinkles, discolorations, bumps, 

In my case it's different in that I have and still am losing a lot of weight.  So, not only am I dealing with the above changes, it looks like my face has sunken areas as well.  I used to wear make up every day and that is definitely a good cover up for all these flaws.  Now, not wearing make up much anymore they all are appearing much bigger and increasing in numbers.

Just another observance in this final journey of mine.

Loriane

 

Lorraine and I were always very close.  She became much more than my sister, she was more like my mom and she and Roscoe treated our children like they were their grandchildren.

After moving to Arizona, when we would visit Indiana we would always stay with them, their home felt like coming home.  We were always welcomed with open arms, hugs and laughter and reminiscing of times past.  If you were looking for an example of "good, christian people" Roscoe and Lorraine Perkins were it.  They were always there for whoever needed them for anything.  

Lorraine was so prim and proper and yet so witty, smart and onery.  Her sense of humor was very entertaining.  She delivered laughs with a sly smile and a twinkle in her eye.

I was so lucky to be able to visit with Lorraine over this last year after Roscoe passed.  Even though the communication between us could be challenging we always made do.  We would gossip, I would paint her nails her favorite pink color and usually shared a sweet tweet.  She loved chocolate cake.  It was always hard to say goodbye when I would leave, just as it is now, except now it's Lorraine that is going on ahead.

Our hearts are broken in losing Lorraine.  Se meant so much to all of us.  However, while our souls are aching for one last smile, laugh, hug, we are comforted knowing she is now with her Roscoe.

At first the memories will be hurtful, reminding us she is not here with us.  However, later the memories will be welcomed, reminding us she was here.

Memories

 While I have been coloring, puzzling, crocheting, etc. I have been having a lot of flash back type memories.  My mind will wonder a bit and I feel like I am 15-20 years (more or less) back, on a road somewhere in the North West, turning the curves, looking out at the dark forest or coast line.  Other times it could be any down town area in a huge city or a small village/town.  I actually have to look up and feel that I get a clear glance, like I was actually there.

I also have been thinking a lot about Ron... things we have seen and people we have met.  We did so much together.  Had sooo much fun.  I was not always the "met no stranger type" person, but I believe I have become that type person from Ron.  If only I had become that person earlier in my life.

I wish I was healthy, able to get out and help others.  Maybe I should have done more for others as I was healthier.  But, that is the past and we can't change that.  I need to just do my best from where I am not, at this time.  I am hoping that from my cancer they can learn something that will help/guide another patient.

Visit

I am so happy that I was able to visit with my sister in Indiana this last weekend.

I have not been very good health wise these last few weeks and it was possible that the weather would not allow us to travel.  And my sister seems to be getting worse health wise too.  I was afraid that I would not be able to see/hug her before she passed. 

This is my sister that has always been like my mom.  And she and her husband had/have been like grandparents to our kids.  She is in the care  center and in the medical section.  She does not recognize me and in this trip she slept most of the time.  She is not doing well and I feel her final journey is near.  I was able to feed her and sit with her...to tell her how much I loved her.

It didn't matter that she was asleep most of the time and didn't interact with me.  I read and colored and was there if she needed me for anything.  This visit really was more for me.  I needed to see her and hug her and be ready to say good by.