Death...Don't you wonder....

...what is the process of dying

Of course this subject has been on my mind for quite some time now.  I have read a few informational publications distributed by hospice organizations, etc. and physicians.  And I have been at the bedside of someone dying.  However, you never really ask or question a person on how they feel, what they are thinking, etc.

I kind of feel like we (in general) are told that you are dying, you start feeling tired, eventually ending up in bed and as time goes on you get weaker, you stop eating, you are on pain medication that puts you kind of in a sleep coma and eventually die.

What I am experiencing is the tiredness, taking medications for pain, wanting to sleep a lot, not getting dressed in the morning, just staying in PJs and than the next day I am up, showered, dressed and wanting to clean up, etc.  Of course the tiredness comes afterward and I am ready for bed.  Each day is the same only different.  I am kind of feeling guilty that I feel better than I should.  I know, that sounds weird.

There are days that I really feel that this is it.  I feel so bad that I am ready and feel like my body is ready.  You have to think too that perhaps the body is ready but the mind is not.  You would think that there would be no good days 

As I continue on this journey I want to add along the way the thoughts, actions, etc. so that others will know what it is like.

I know, strange entry.....

UPDATE:   So still doing the ups and downs.  I get really tired and it's hard to breathe at times when I sweep or move something, especially going up and down the stairs, etc.  Taking down and putting away the Christmas decorations was hard but completed.  As I sit and rest I am seeing all the things that I should do but know that I won't get done.

The upping of dosage and time frames of morphine has helped tremendously.  I am still tired and have very little energy.  I have found that coloring (pencil/market/etc.) books are soooo soothing.  Still have my puzzles but the coloring is a nice change.  I have completed two books already.