Humidity

Ah yes, Humidity!!  When you talk about the heat in Arizona you always follow it with "but, it's a dry heat!"  They are not kidding.  I kind of forgot how different the heat feels with Humidity.  I used to call it "sticky underwear weather" because your clothes would stick to you.  

My hair is soaking wet when I wear a hat outside.  The house is really cold, the carpet feels a little sticky, you just really feel the difference.

In Arizona it is so hot that when you sweat, it evaporates so fast you don't feel the wetness.  Here in Illinois, you definitely wear it.

Just another adjustment.

Healing

 I just said the other day "why did I feel so good out of the hospital and now two weeks out I am sore and really tired/weak?"  Dud, Jennifer told me did I not still have drugs in my system?  I guess that is right.  I am trying really hard to take it easy which is not easy for me.  I don't like feeling weak.

So, after doctors' visits:  they have removed all the disease (along with the spleen, mass, and tail of the pancreas and a few lymph nodes) from that area.  There is a hot lymph node by the earlier surgery which they plan to watch.  I have had too much radiation in the abdomen area so don't want me to have any more of that.  Want me to be healthier and gain some weight before they even consider chemo.  Scans at the end of April and they are pretty sure it will be back.  That is it in a nutshell.

So, live my life as if everything is normal.  

AGAIN

Post off...again.

Laying in the hospital, waking up from surgery.  Same feelings, same pain...how many times????

I have decided that I do not like hospitals.  That complete helplessness of doing for yourself.  Totally dependent on others for everything.  Leaving total control to basically complete strangers.  Don't get me wrong, I have had great care and I think am a very compliant patient.  However, no one really wants to be there and the reasons they are there are not good ones.

I am now into the why me phase of this third cancer journey.  It wasn't enough to go thru it two other times?  Please tell me this is not Karma.......I am just feeling sorry for myself and have to keep telling myself there are so many others in this world that have it so much worse than me...and there really are.

I am doing great considering what I have gone thru, but it hurts and I am weak (not my best feeling) and of course the depending on others.  Especially Jennifer, she has enough on her plate and I feel guilty and proud.  Not everyone have children that will take care of them when needed and I am very fortunate to have her.

 

I Don't Know...

why it is so hard for me to post on Facebook, especially about the new cancer.  I have asked Jennifer to be my spokesperson.  Maybe it distances me from it all...maybe it is too personal...I don;t want it to sound like whining instead of informational, who knows.....

I want family and friends to know what it going on.  I could e-mail all and then that ends up being a full time event of keeping up with everyone.  No, Facebook is the best avenue.  AND, right now I am in the doctors' offices or getting tests daily it seems.  Because of the surgery coming up fast there are lots of paperwork and plans that need to be in place (you know, all of those what ifs) .

I believe I am an optimistic person, but boy, sometimes it is hard to stay UP.

Just needed to say this.

It's Back

Pancreatic CANCER.  What the?????

I was pretty sure that IT was not done with me.  I didn't think it would be so soon.  Another bad one.  I have found a very good Oncologist and Surgeon.  Really thorough, informative and great personalities.  So, I feel like I am in good hands.

Waiting now for surgery to be scheduled.  There are lymph glands involved and a couple of other issues.  Not sure about after therapy.  Lots to think about.

There is nothing I can do about it...It truly is what it is.

Right or Wrong

I am not sure how I am going to put this out there.  Everything that is on TV, news, movies, etc. and things that I comment on comes back to haunt me.

You grow up with certain words, terms, ideas, history, judgments, etc.

I do not consider myself as a racist, nor my friends and family.  Judgmental...yes.  Opinionated...yes. Outspoken...yes.  Rude...yes at times.  Is that being racist?

I have been adjusting so many words as well.  Oriental used to be correct.  "I work like a slave"... no!  Hair styles, make ups, clothing styles, size, etc. etc. etc.  I heard yesterday that it is NOT a compliment when you tell someone that you like their hair, or ask about disabilities.  I have actually asked a veteran about his legs.  At the time my sister had surgery and lost most of her leg and was having a hard time.  He was a wonderful young man and told me how much hard work it was to adjust and thanked me later.  Was I wrong?

I kind of understand in my younger days when you would hear "they don't have a sensor".  I sometimes feel like that.  I feel I can't just say a lot of things instantly instead of weighing what I was going to say or do and  kind of police my thoughts and comments.  I know, we really should do that anyway, but sometimes......

I do feel like I am a kind, wouldn't want to hurt a fly (oh wait, that's not true, especially when they are soooo annoying) person,  however you know what I mean.  I do not say things to hurt people.  I don't want someone to say something to me to hurt me.  

The more I see and read no one's history is glorious.  All countries have a dark part and a light part.  It has always been the basic "good" people that have made the future what it is.  I understand that money and position is where everyone strives to have, however, look around, there is always someone that has it much, much worse than I do (and of course more).  I consider myself very lucky to be who I am and have what I have.

With the health that I have, I have been thinking a lot about my life.  It wasn't always great but I grew up with a complete family.  We had security which included a home, food, great experiences.  Growing up on a farm was great.  Climbing trees, having a huge garden and animals, family gatherings, playing outside safely day and night, I could go on and on.  

I guess we should all be very aware of the changes in the world even tho some of them seem so weird to us old timers.  I'm sure our grandparents thought the same thing as we came into the world.

Like I said at the beginning....not sure how to put this and you might just consider it a rambling of thoughts.  No offence meant to anyone...

REAL Snow

 OK, the "real" snow has arrived.  What I posted earlier is nothing.  I'm thinking way over two feet of snow!  I have been very happy that "they" are on it!  Downtown areas of Chicago is another story.  Side streets and alleys are a mess, however the main highways are pretty clear.

Our area is very good.  The main streets are taken care of, however our housing area is really pretty clear as well.  I guess the best way to say it is they are prepared.  The air is cold and you have to dress appropriately, but walking and walking the dogs so far has not been a problem.

When in AZ there were days that you could not walk because of the heat.  So I still state that you just trade on for the other.  Not outdoors in the high heat and not outdoors in the low temperatures and snow.

Anyway...this is a good place for -- It is what it is!