Mirror

Do you ever look in the mirror and have to do a double take, wondering who that is...when did I start looking like this?

Every morning, brushing your teeth, washing you face, etc., etc., you glance in the mirror but you don't really look at yourself.  And, when you do, you have to wonder when did I change so much.  All the little (and bigger) brown spots, wrinkles, oh so many wrinkles, discolorations, bumps, 

In my case it's different in that I have and still am losing a lot of weight.  So, not only am I dealing with the above changes, it looks like my face has sunken areas as well.  I used to wear make up every day and that is definitely a good cover up for all these flaws.  Now, not wearing make up much anymore they all are appearing much bigger and increasing in numbers.

Just another observance in this final journey of mine.

Loriane

 

Lorraine and I were always very close.  She became much more than my sister, she was more like my mom and she and Roscoe treated our children like they were their grandchildren.

After moving to Arizona, when we would visit Indiana we would always stay with them, their home felt like coming home.  We were always welcomed with open arms, hugs and laughter and reminiscing of times past.  If you were looking for an example of "good, christian people" Roscoe and Lorraine Perkins were it.  They were always there for whoever needed them for anything.  

Lorraine was so prim and proper and yet so witty, smart and onery.  Her sense of humor was very entertaining.  She delivered laughs with a sly smile and a twinkle in her eye.

I was so lucky to be able to visit with Lorraine over this last year after Roscoe passed.  Even though the communication between us could be challenging we always made do.  We would gossip, I would paint her nails her favorite pink color and usually shared a sweet tweet.  She loved chocolate cake.  It was always hard to say goodbye when I would leave, just as it is now, except now it's Lorraine that is going on ahead.

Our hearts are broken in losing Lorraine.  Se meant so much to all of us.  However, while our souls are aching for one last smile, laugh, hug, we are comforted knowing she is now with her Roscoe.

At first the memories will be hurtful, reminding us she is not here with us.  However, later the memories will be welcomed, reminding us she was here.

Memories

 While I have been coloring, puzzling, crocheting, etc. I have been having a lot of flash back type memories.  My mind will wonder a bit and I feel like I am 15-20 years (more or less) back, on a road somewhere in the North West, turning the curves, looking out at the dark forest or coast line.  Other times it could be any down town area in a huge city or a small village/town.  I actually have to look up and feel that I get a clear glance, like I was actually there.

I also have been thinking a lot about Ron... things we have seen and people we have met.  We did so much together.  Had sooo much fun.  I was not always the "met no stranger type" person, but I believe I have become that type person from Ron.  If only I had become that person earlier in my life.

I wish I was healthy, able to get out and help others.  Maybe I should have done more for others as I was healthier.  But, that is the past and we can't change that.  I need to just do my best from where I am not, at this time.  I am hoping that from my cancer they can learn something that will help/guide another patient.

Visit

I am so happy that I was able to visit with my sister in Indiana this last weekend.

I have not been very good health wise these last few weeks and it was possible that the weather would not allow us to travel.  And my sister seems to be getting worse health wise too.  I was afraid that I would not be able to see/hug her before she passed. 

This is my sister that has always been like my mom.  And she and her husband had/have been like grandparents to our kids.  She is in the care  center and in the medical section.  She does not recognize me and in this trip she slept most of the time.  She is not doing well and I feel her final journey is near.  I was able to feed her and sit with her...to tell her how much I loved her.

It didn't matter that she was asleep most of the time and didn't interact with me.  I read and colored and was there if she needed me for anything.  This visit really was more for me.  I needed to see her and hug her and be ready to say good by.

Death...Don't you wonder....

...what is the process of dying

Of course this subject has been on my mind for quite some time now.  I have read a few informational publications distributed by hospice organizations, etc. and physicians.  And I have been at the bedside of someone dying.  However, you never really ask or question a person on how they feel, what they are thinking, etc.

I kind of feel like we (in general) are told that you are dying, you start feeling tired, eventually ending up in bed and as time goes on you get weaker, you stop eating, you are on pain medication that puts you kind of in a sleep coma and eventually die.

What I am experiencing is the tiredness, taking medications for pain, wanting to sleep a lot, not getting dressed in the morning, just staying in PJs and than the next day I am up, showered, dressed and wanting to clean up, etc.  Of course the tiredness comes afterward and I am ready for bed.  Each day is the same only different.  I am kind of feeling guilty that I feel better than I should.  I know, that sounds weird.

There are days that I really feel that this is it.  I feel so bad that I am ready and feel like my body is ready.  You have to think too that perhaps the body is ready but the mind is not.  You would think that there would be no good days 

As I continue on this journey I want to add along the way the thoughts, actions, etc. so that others will know what it is like.

I know, strange entry.....

UPDATE:   So still doing the ups and downs.  I get really tired and it's hard to breathe at times when I sweep or move something, especially going up and down the stairs, etc.  Taking down and putting away the Christmas decorations was hard but completed.  As I sit and rest I am seeing all the things that I should do but know that I won't get done.

The upping of dosage and time frames of morphine has helped tremendously.  I am still tired and have very little energy.  I have found that coloring (pencil/market/etc.) books are soooo soothing.  Still have my puzzles but the coloring is a nice change.  I have completed two books already.  

Coloring

 

Coloring is supposed to be soothing, relaxing.  However in the past I have found it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.  What to color, what colors, where to color, etc. etc.

Yesterday was not a good day and I spent most of the day in bed.  The kids are on winter break so Joci was home with me.  Joe and Jennifer were working.  

Joci and I decided to color.  We were coloring giants.  And we were really good.  We actually spent the whole day in/on my bed coloring .  Jennifer was working from home so on a couple of her breaks she colored with us. 

Between the medicines and coloring the day went by really fast.  Going to have to get some more books:)

Hospice

 I am officially signed on to Journey Hospice here in Illinois.  I was a little apprehensive about Hospice in general but know that it is something that I am going to need to utilize here in the near future.

So far I have been very pleased with the group.  Yesterday was not a good day for me.  They were here very quickly to help.  Jennifer was working from home (Tuesdays and Fridays) which was good and between them and JJ I got thru the day.  I know that I will have more of those types of days and am comforted knowing that I have the care I need a call away.