Death...Don't you wonder....

...what is the process of dying

Of course this subject has been on my mind for quite some time now.  I have read a few informational publications distributed by hospice organizations, etc. and physicians.  And I have been at the bedside of someone dying.  However, you never really ask or question a person on how they feel, what they are thinking, etc.

I kind of feel like we (in general) are told that you are dying, you start feeling tired, eventually ending up in bed and as time goes on you get weaker, you stop eating, you are on pain medication that puts you kind of in a sleep coma and eventually die.

What I am experiencing is the tiredness, taking medications for pain, wanting to sleep a lot, not getting dressed in the morning, just staying in PJs and than the next day I am up, showered, dressed and wanting to clean up, etc.  Of course the tiredness comes afterward and I am ready for bed.  Each day is the same only different.  I am kind of feeling guilty that I feel better than I should.  I know, that sounds weird.

There are days that I really feel that this is it.  I feel so bad that I am ready and feel like my body is ready.  You have to think too that perhaps the body is ready but the mind is not.  You would think that there would be no good days 

As I continue on this journey I want to add along the way the thoughts, actions, etc. so that others will know what it is like.

I know, strange entry.....

UPDATE:   So still doing the ups and downs.  I get really tired and it's hard to breathe at times when I sweep or move something, especially going up and down the stairs, etc.  Taking down and putting away the Christmas decorations was hard but completed.  As I sit and rest I am seeing all the things that I should do but know that I won't get done.

The upping of dosage and time frames of morphine has helped tremendously.  I am still tired and have very little energy.  I have found that coloring (pencil/market/etc.) books are soooo soothing.  Still have my puzzles but the coloring is a nice change.  I have completed two books already.  

Coloring

 

Coloring is supposed to be soothing, relaxing.  However in the past I have found it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.  What to color, what colors, where to color, etc. etc.

Yesterday was not a good day and I spent most of the day in bed.  The kids are on winter break so Joci was home with me.  Joe and Jennifer were working.  

Joci and I decided to color.  We were coloring giants.  And we were really good.  We actually spent the whole day in/on my bed coloring .  Jennifer was working from home so on a couple of her breaks she colored with us. 

Between the medicines and coloring the day went by really fast.  Going to have to get some more books:)

Hospice

 I am officially signed on to Journey Hospice here in Illinois.  I was a little apprehensive about Hospice in general but know that it is something that I am going to need to utilize here in the near future.

So far I have been very pleased with the group.  Yesterday was not a good day for me.  They were here very quickly to help.  Jennifer was working from home (Tuesdays and Fridays) which was good and between them and JJ I got thru the day.  I know that I will have more of those types of days and am comforted knowing that I have the care I need a call away.

Christmas Fun - Ornaments

                                                              

This year Brandon, Brody and I made the flour/salt/water Christmas cookie cutter ornaments.  So easy, I can't believe we have not done this in the past.  Brandon really got into it and we made a whole bunch.

The receipt for them is so easy.  4 Cups of flour, 1 Cup of salt and 1 1/2 Cup of water (more or less as needed).  Mix it up into a dough, roll out about 1/4 inch, cut with cutters and place on a ungreased cookie sheet.  Put in oven at 250 degrees for at least 60 minutes (more if needed).  Cool down and let them further dry out.  Brush out extra flour and get ready to paint. 

The Cook

 

So Brandon loves to cook.  Thanksgiving is definitely his jam.  He loves putting all the butter and spices on the turkey.  Of course he has to taste all the different spices, individually and mixed together.  Tonight he made a margarita pizza using tortillas.  As you can see from the above photo.  So proud.

He is also a great eater...just about anything you put in front of him.  He does not however, like milk and anything that is milk.  Kind of odd I think.

He will try at least one bite which his grandpa would be so very proud of him as this was his rule on trying different foods.

Dogs and Cats

I can remember having a dog growing up on the farm.  Mostly a Collie.  Not like now days, dogs were not kept inside and our dogs never were given dog food bought at the store, only food scrapes from the table.

We also had a huge tom cat.  He was not fixed so at night he roamed outside.  He was a scrapper, as many times when the next day came you could tell he had been in a "cat" fight the night before.  However, I remember my siblings, etc. also dressed this huge cat in doll clothes and lugged him all around.  He was so gentle.  He loved to be held and purrrrrrrrred like a kitten.

We also had barn cats (probably some of those messing with Tom Cat) that we chased all around the hay loft.  They usually tried to avoid us and were not friendly.  They were there to keep the mice, etc. population down to nothing and did a good job.

We had other animals on the farm, some I was too young to remember and some I just have forgotten.  I remember at one time having sheep, hogs, cattle, etc.  Of course I always wanted to have a pony but we never had one of them.

We did have a lot of fun just growing up on the farm.  Plenty of trees to climb and a barn and barn loft as our playground.

Everyone needs...

 that one true person that cares, but really does not care.  It is hard to explain.  Be there to listen, but not there to lecture or to fix the situation. Maybe give a hug and just give you a release.  I'm sure that has been a quote by someone in the past as it is sooooooooo true.