Update

 Well, it seems the morphine I have been on is no longer working for me. nor is the slow and quick release so I am graduating to Methadone and Hydromorphone starting 3/9/22.  Has a lag time of 5 days possible so might have to do some adjusting which could include a 5 day in-patient stay.

So tonight was a kind of reality check on my part.  I have tried to be really brave and ahead of all of this but it really got to me tonight.  Why can't I just die?  Why does it take so long.  Why do you have to go thru all the meds, pains, ups and downs?!  I don't like it when I lose control and start crying.  I have always been that way, be the strong one.  I don't know why I am that way but I have always been.  I do cry when my kids and/or loved ones are hurting but a strong upper lip is what I try to be/have. So I needed to just get really down and out and cry it all out of my system and move on.

So, now on the second dose and so far so good.  I will continue to do the updates.  I hope this does not turn into a tear jerker and more informative.

Update

 Well, it's now the first of March and the body is definitely changing.  Jennifer got a few books to check out  the dying process, etc.  So far they are very interesting reading and pretty much spot on as I read.  It starts out with general information but then it gets more detailed as time goes on.  Like 1-3 weeks, etc.

I have noticed that my abdomen is sore inside and outside.  I am having a lot of headaches and being dizzy every time I would stand up.  I have noticed that my balance is not good.  Being dizzy doesn't help of course, but it seems time for either a cane or walker to help with the balance.  We will see how that works out.

We have upped the mg of morphine which I hope is helping both slow and quick release.  I seemed to be using the quick release a lot more now.  The slow release is still three times a day.

As I am still reading there is more to find out as to what the rest of the process will be.

Your Bucket List - Kind of

 Whether or not we realize it or not, we all have a kind of bucket list of things we have or want to do in our life time.  I started mine and I have found that Wow, I really have done a lot in my life time.  I also know that Ron was a very big reason I have accomplished so many.  Many of them I would not have done without him.

Here we go:

Married and Widowed

2 children and 4 grandchildren

Traveled inside and outside the States and in Europe

Para-sailed

Scuba dived lessons

Racquetball

Drove cross country by myself (and gobs of times with Ron)

Cancer  x 3 (and all the surgeries and treatments that went with them)

Employed

Traveled by Airplane

Operated a motorcycle by myself

Boating on Lakes and Oceans

Water Skied

Snow Skied

Ran 10 Ks

Gardened

Fly Fishing

Helped build new home

Fired from a job

Rode on a train

Smoked Cigars

Wine Tasting

Road Horses

Hunted (got an elk)

Camped

Rode a Sedgway

Golfed

Fired guns

Voted

Operated controls on small airplane

Moved cross country x 2

Puzzeler

Painted

Kereaoke

Played French Horn

Sewed

Put up hay / planted field tomatoes

Scrapbooking

Bunco for Breast Cancer Survivors Events

Mirror

Do you ever look in the mirror and have to do a double take, wondering who that is...when did I start looking like this?

Every morning, brushing your teeth, washing you face, etc., etc., you glance in the mirror but you don't really look at yourself.  And, when you do, you have to wonder when did I change so much.  All the little (and bigger) brown spots, wrinkles, oh so many wrinkles, discolorations, bumps, 

In my case it's different in that I have and still am losing a lot of weight.  So, not only am I dealing with the above changes, it looks like my face has sunken areas as well.  I used to wear make up every day and that is definitely a good cover up for all these flaws.  Now, not wearing make up much anymore they all are appearing much bigger and increasing in numbers.

Just another observance in this final journey of mine.

Loriane

 

Lorraine and I were always very close.  She became much more than my sister, she was more like my mom and she and Roscoe treated our children like they were their grandchildren.

After moving to Arizona, when we would visit Indiana we would always stay with them, their home felt like coming home.  We were always welcomed with open arms, hugs and laughter and reminiscing of times past.  If you were looking for an example of "good, christian people" Roscoe and Lorraine Perkins were it.  They were always there for whoever needed them for anything.  

Lorraine was so prim and proper and yet so witty, smart and onery.  Her sense of humor was very entertaining.  She delivered laughs with a sly smile and a twinkle in her eye.

I was so lucky to be able to visit with Lorraine over this last year after Roscoe passed.  Even though the communication between us could be challenging we always made do.  We would gossip, I would paint her nails her favorite pink color and usually shared a sweet tweet.  She loved chocolate cake.  It was always hard to say goodbye when I would leave, just as it is now, except now it's Lorraine that is going on ahead.

Our hearts are broken in losing Lorraine.  Se meant so much to all of us.  However, while our souls are aching for one last smile, laugh, hug, we are comforted knowing she is now with her Roscoe.

At first the memories will be hurtful, reminding us she is not here with us.  However, later the memories will be welcomed, reminding us she was here.

Memories

 While I have been coloring, puzzling, crocheting, etc. I have been having a lot of flash back type memories.  My mind will wonder a bit and I feel like I am 15-20 years (more or less) back, on a road somewhere in the North West, turning the curves, looking out at the dark forest or coast line.  Other times it could be any down town area in a huge city or a small village/town.  I actually have to look up and feel that I get a clear glance, like I was actually there.

I also have been thinking a lot about Ron... things we have seen and people we have met.  We did so much together.  Had sooo much fun.  I was not always the "met no stranger type" person, but I believe I have become that type person from Ron.  If only I had become that person earlier in my life.

I wish I was healthy, able to get out and help others.  Maybe I should have done more for others as I was healthier.  But, that is the past and we can't change that.  I need to just do my best from where I am not, at this time.  I am hoping that from my cancer they can learn something that will help/guide another patient.

Visit

I am so happy that I was able to visit with my sister in Indiana this last weekend.

I have not been very good health wise these last few weeks and it was possible that the weather would not allow us to travel.  And my sister seems to be getting worse health wise too.  I was afraid that I would not be able to see/hug her before she passed. 

This is my sister that has always been like my mom.  And she and her husband had/have been like grandparents to our kids.  She is in the care  center and in the medical section.  She does not recognize me and in this trip she slept most of the time.  She is not doing well and I feel her final journey is near.  I was able to feed her and sit with her...to tell her how much I loved her.

It didn't matter that she was asleep most of the time and didn't interact with me.  I read and colored and was there if she needed me for anything.  This visit really was more for me.  I needed to see her and hug her and be ready to say good by.

Death...Don't you wonder....

...what is the process of dying

Of course this subject has been on my mind for quite some time now.  I have read a few informational publications distributed by hospice organizations, etc. and physicians.  And I have been at the bedside of someone dying.  However, you never really ask or question a person on how they feel, what they are thinking, etc.

I kind of feel like we (in general) are told that you are dying, you start feeling tired, eventually ending up in bed and as time goes on you get weaker, you stop eating, you are on pain medication that puts you kind of in a sleep coma and eventually die.

What I am experiencing is the tiredness, taking medications for pain, wanting to sleep a lot, not getting dressed in the morning, just staying in PJs and than the next day I am up, showered, dressed and wanting to clean up, etc.  Of course the tiredness comes afterward and I am ready for bed.  Each day is the same only different.  I am kind of feeling guilty that I feel better than I should.  I know, that sounds weird.

There are days that I really feel that this is it.  I feel so bad that I am ready and feel like my body is ready.  You have to think too that perhaps the body is ready but the mind is not.  You would think that there would be no good days 

As I continue on this journey I want to add along the way the thoughts, actions, etc. so that others will know what it is like.

I know, strange entry.....

UPDATE:   So still doing the ups and downs.  I get really tired and it's hard to breathe at times when I sweep or move something, especially going up and down the stairs, etc.  Taking down and putting away the Christmas decorations was hard but completed.  As I sit and rest I am seeing all the things that I should do but know that I won't get done.

The upping of dosage and time frames of morphine has helped tremendously.  I am still tired and have very little energy.  I have found that coloring (pencil/market/etc.) books are soooo soothing.  Still have my puzzles but the coloring is a nice change.  I have completed two books already.  

Coloring

 

Coloring is supposed to be soothing, relaxing.  However in the past I have found it can sometimes be a little overwhelming.  What to color, what colors, where to color, etc. etc.

Yesterday was not a good day and I spent most of the day in bed.  The kids are on winter break so Joci was home with me.  Joe and Jennifer were working.  

Joci and I decided to color.  We were coloring giants.  And we were really good.  We actually spent the whole day in/on my bed coloring .  Jennifer was working from home so on a couple of her breaks she colored with us. 

Between the medicines and coloring the day went by really fast.  Going to have to get some more books:)

Hospice

 I am officially signed on to Journey Hospice here in Illinois.  I was a little apprehensive about Hospice in general but know that it is something that I am going to need to utilize here in the near future.

So far I have been very pleased with the group.  Yesterday was not a good day for me.  They were here very quickly to help.  Jennifer was working from home (Tuesdays and Fridays) which was good and between them and JJ I got thru the day.  I know that I will have more of those types of days and am comforted knowing that I have the care I need a call away.

Christmas Fun - Ornaments

                                                              

This year Brandon, Brody and I made the flour/salt/water Christmas cookie cutter ornaments.  So easy, I can't believe we have not done this in the past.  Brandon really got into it and we made a whole bunch.

The receipt for them is so easy.  4 Cups of flour, 1 Cup of salt and 1 1/2 Cup of water (more or less as needed).  Mix it up into a dough, roll out about 1/4 inch, cut with cutters and place on a ungreased cookie sheet.  Put in oven at 250 degrees for at least 60 minutes (more if needed).  Cool down and let them further dry out.  Brush out extra flour and get ready to paint. 

The Cook

 

So Brandon loves to cook.  Thanksgiving is definitely his jam.  He loves putting all the butter and spices on the turkey.  Of course he has to taste all the different spices, individually and mixed together.  Tonight he made a margarita pizza using tortillas.  As you can see from the above photo.  So proud.

He is also a great eater...just about anything you put in front of him.  He does not however, like milk and anything that is milk.  Kind of odd I think.

He will try at least one bite which his grandpa would be so very proud of him as this was his rule on trying different foods.

Dogs and Cats

I can remember having a dog growing up on the farm.  Mostly a Collie.  Not like now days, dogs were not kept inside and our dogs never were given dog food bought at the store, only food scrapes from the table.

We also had a huge tom cat.  He was not fixed so at night he roamed outside.  He was a scrapper, as many times when the next day came you could tell he had been in a "cat" fight the night before.  However, I remember my siblings, etc. also dressed this huge cat in doll clothes and lugged him all around.  He was so gentle.  He loved to be held and purrrrrrrrred like a kitten.

We also had barn cats (probably some of those messing with Tom Cat) that we chased all around the hay loft.  They usually tried to avoid us and were not friendly.  They were there to keep the mice, etc. population down to nothing and did a good job.

We had other animals on the farm, some I was too young to remember and some I just have forgotten.  I remember at one time having sheep, hogs, cattle, etc.  Of course I always wanted to have a pony but we never had one of them.

We did have a lot of fun just growing up on the farm.  Plenty of trees to climb and a barn and barn loft as our playground.

Everyone needs...

 that one true person that cares, but really does not care.  It is hard to explain.  Be there to listen, but not there to lecture or to fix the situation. Maybe give a hug and just give you a release.  I'm sure that has been a quote by someone in the past as it is sooooooooo true.

Travels

Traveled to AZ from Chicago before Thanksgiving.  I was prepared for a nightmare but was not so bad.  The plane that was to go from Chicago to AZ was 1/2 hour late but everything went very smoothly from boarding to arriving.

I was very happy to depart the airplane to really nice AZ weather.  A little wind cooled the night but the next week was very nice.  I even had shorts on.

Had a nice chat with friends and a very nice dinner with Matt, Kelley and the boys.  Brandon, as usual, was excited to butter and spice up the turkey.  I think he likes the spices more than anything.  Matt, of course, had a ham steak (he just is not a turkey/chicken fan) and the sides were delicious as well. 

I made sure to take my meds but did end up laying down for most of the rest of the day. 

No downers

I know that with this health issue I will have lots of downer days.  I am most upset about just being sooooo tired.  I am a go go type person and to be able to lay around with a heat pad and literally not move or do anything is hard for me mentally.  I really do try to stay in an up mood around people and keep my down moods to myself.  I do not want people to pity or feel pity for me.  But, I do realize that I need to have those down feelings at times.  It is just part of the process and I need to realize that it's okay to have them.

 So, I will try to post  more good vibes and touch on the downers.

True Friends

I would hope that everyone has had or have that one or two true friend and going both ways are so giving and willing to receive as well.

i have this one friend that I went to school with.  Kept in close contact throughout after school years and adult years.  Can call at anytime for anything.  Always there, like we see each other every day even though not close in proximity to each other.

Another friend that she and her husband were actually my work boss but so close to Ron and I.  We did so much together.  I have loss my Ron and she has lost her Ron.  She does not live close, however this is a friend that we can talk once a year and it's like we live next door to each other.  We have both moved closer to our families, but we will always be close.

I still have lunch or get together with a very dear, elegant lady that I worked with.  She is everything I wished I was...tall, thin, pretty without all the artificial stuff, gentle, caring and so giving.  She will always be there for whatever is needed.  We talk about everything.  I always feel so calm when we meet and that she truly cares.  No, she's not perfect and I get to listen as well which means we are so much alike in so many ways.

My last boss and his wife are also very dear friends.  We don't get together as much as we would like but when we do we talk about everything.  I love that, talking about everything, not just held to one subject, etc.  They too are so nice and treat me with such true caring.  I love getting cards from them with notes of hope and uplifting words.

Then there is our best friends/neighbors.  We were like so different, yet so much the same.  We did so much together.  We were considered "first responders" to each other.  They were there for when Ron died and there after for me.  I could always depend on them for anything.  We are separated by many miles, yet still so close.  

And than my two besties.  Who would have thought that one of my former bosses and her husband would be my best friends.  I can ask anything of them.  They treat me as if I was their family (maybe closer than family).  All I have to do is ask and not ask any they are there for me.  There is so much to say...

My family is my family, but my friends are priceless and I am so privileged to have collected so many over the years.  And it seems that I have had the privilege to work with so many good, caring people...as Yoda would say..."so lucky have been I"

11/11/13

 Today, 11/11/13 at 8:03 pm.  8 years ago...seems like forever and then again just like yesterday.  I miss him every day.  Love you Ron!

Medical Day

Monday:

I had a CT Scan scheduled. .. Joe was exhausted and just did not overall feel good...  Joci was sick and Jennifer has not felt well for a week.  So,

Joe stayed home from school and did a catch up  day, slept most of it.

Joci went to the urgent care and has ear infections in both ears.

Jennifer has pneumonia, x-ray, IVs, and two nights in the hospital.

Me, only change is as we suspected, all areas the cancer is growing and has expanded into new areas.  Left kidney is in danger of not operating at full potential, as the cancer is in the lymph system it is pressing on many nerve endings and is probably the cause of my voice sounding very horsey.  

There is always good news with the bad.....hey, NO Covid!  

Such Talent

 I have been able to attend a concert by the Lebanon Youth/Adult musical group held in the Lebanon Courthouse.  It was wonderful.  They were so great and it was nice to see seasoned musicians and young ones just starting out.

I have attended two plays put on by the Fremd High School and Stevensen High School theater groups.  So entertaining.  Again such talent.

I just attended a musical presentation by the Stevensen music department where they broke down into small groups, picked their own music to present and practiced and presented.  Some of the music was hard to follow as their groups were small but overall it was very entertaining.

As I hear of these presentations I hope to attend as many as possible.